Public speaking disasters of 2006

by Charlie Pabst

I do a lot of public speaking, some for free, some for fund-raising, some just because I feel like it. When I’m not speaking myself, sometimes I’ll go and listen to another person speak. It might be a renowned speaker who commands thousands of dollars for an afternoon, or just a local nobody talking about something regional.

Sometimes, when I’m lucky, I’ll go to a lecture for which I have no interest whatsoever and leave feeling all excited about it. In times like that I know the speaker has done his job very effectively, and has given me something to think about and learn from.

But that’s the bright side, and if there’s a bright side there must also be one full of pure ineptitude and misfortune. Hence we come to this post.

I’m going to tell you about some of the horrors I’ve seen, and in one case committed myself, in the public speaking field over the last year.

Now, I can’t say that I’ve ever done a perfect lecture myself, but most of the time I at least don’t commit some hideous public speaking crime. In 2006 I did, and just to show that I’m humble I’ll tell you all about it. Just to be mysterious, I’m not going to tell you which one of these is me, but you can sure guess. I’ll tell you if you’re right.

If I only had a brain!

It’s expected that, given a lecture on a fairly technical topic, the speaker would allow the audience at the end to ask questions to get clarification. Well, victim number one, to his credit, did take questions at the end of his lecture.

“That’s about it for my lecture,” he says. “Now, are there any questions?”

There was one, and it was a good one. His answer?

“Uh, I’m not sure. Blah blah blah, fumble fumble. Another question?”

Next question came. His answer to this one?

“Ha ha, you guys are stumping me today. I’m not really sure about that either. Next…”

This continued in this way for a while until both the audience and the speaker had given up in irritation and everything sort of unraveled. It seemed the speaker had perhaps been hired to cover a particular topic and given certain guidelines of research. But in the end it was obvious that outside of the framework of what he personally said, he didn’t have a clue.

LESSON LEARNED #1: Know your topic. If you don’t, they’re gonna find out. If you’re offered a job to speak on a topic that’s not within your own province or understanding, either don’t accept it or research the hell out of it until you make it yours. Look at it with fresh eyes, pretend you’re in the audience and predict what questions they might have.

LESSON LEARNED #2: Just fulfilling the basic requirements will not make you remarkable, memorable or desirable.

Nightmare on Attitude Street

I’m sure we’ve all been to a lecture where the speaker said something like: “Can I get a show of hands of anyone who’s ever…” or “Who here has ever…”

It’s pretty common, right? Well, sometimes nobody in the audience raises their hands. It’s sort of a fact of public speaking and is to be expected on occasion. Even me, having been on both sides of the game, I usually just nod instead of raising my hand.

Well, this one speaker asks his question. “Who here has ever…” and nobody, not a single person, raised their hand.

At this point, instead of just moving on and making his point, the speaker put his hands on his hips, let out an exasperated sigh and with his eyebrows raised condescendingly said, “This is where you raise your hands, people.”

Total silence and still not a hand went up. I think I even heard a fly have a heart attack.

LESSON LEARNED #1: Don’t expect anyone and/or everyone to respond to your questions. Be prepared and plan for anything so as not to be thrown off your professional and respectful game.

LESSON LEARNED #2: Don’t address a crowd as “people” unless there’s no other option (there always is). A crowd is made up of individuals and they prefer to be addressed as such. The word “you” works just fine and “everyone” works alright as well since it technically means “every one person.” But “people” sucks; it’s faceless and condescending unless you can put the cheeriest of cheer behind it.

Air, it's not just for breakfast anymore

One speaker, at the end of his stage time, was looking faint, pale and entirely uncomfortable. His voice got very shaky and he even began to stoop a bit until, at last, he was virtually hanging on the podium he’d set up. I, for one, was actually worried he was going to faint.

By the time the speech was over and the audience was coming up to meet him and shake his hand, he was cold, clammy and not very personable, to say the least.

This was one of those smaller engagements where everyone is treated to a group lunch afterwards, including the speaker. Well, the speaker blew off the line of curious and interested audience members who wanted to meet him and went directly to the chow line to start stuffing his face. He was at his table, individuated all by himself, just hogging down his lunch. It was interesting to note that after lunch, still given the time, nobody went up to meet him or ask a single question.

LESSON LEARNED #1: Eat right, sleep well and take care of your body! If you’re not energetic and fully invested in your speech yourself, you can’t expect the crowd to care much either.

LESSON LEARNED #2: Remember that without the audience there, you’d be talking to yourself. Treat them well, be appreciative they took the time to listen to you and make sure you do the same for them. Just because it’s “after the lecture” doesn’t make it any less important.

Say, do you have the time?

Even in everyday conversation, looking at your watch when you’re talking to someone is just plain bad manners. It’s amazing that one little “harmless” action like that can say:

• You’re not important
• I want to leave
• I’ve got better things to do
• You’re wasting my time

This one particular speaker was carrying along on his presentation, interested, outgoing, making eye contact, doing a great job frankly. But every time someone in the audience asked a question this would all change.

He wouldn’t look at who was asking the question or grant them any importance at all. Instead he’d look at his watch, shuffle his notes, pick invisible specks off his suit, drink his water, or nod and go “uh huh, uh huh, yup” while they were still talking. It was very “car salesman” like. No offense to car salesmen, it just happens when people are too interested in making a sale to listen.

LESSON LEARNED #1: You may be talking to a group, but as I said before a group is made up of individuals. Therefore the manners you’d regularly show an individual still apply, if not more so. If you don’t know what individual manners are you better study up.

LESSON LEARNED #2: I’ve said it before, but I’ll say it again: the crowd is here for you. They’re sitting there listening to you, so the very least you could do is grant them the same importance and attention.

LESSON LEARNED #3: As to the time, an effective thing to do is take off your watch and keep it on the podium and look whenever you want, as if you’re consulting notes. Problem solved.

If you don’t have a podium there are plenty of things you can do, like cross your arms for a bit and glance down as if you’re thinking, sneaking a look at your watch as you do so. Or point at the ceiling with your watch arm when you’re making a good point and sneak a peak then.

Or you can say, “Woah! Superman!” and point behind the audience. When they all turn around to look, you can definitely glance at your watch then.

Aaarrrgh! Bees!

What to do with your hands while talking is one of those things that people seem to have a lot of trouble with. This was especially true for one public speaker this year.

He was gesturing madly all throughout his talk, like he had a swarm of bees around his head. Scratching, itching, talking with his hands, playing with his ears, his hair, his nose. He was even doing that sort of “half thumb into the nostril and roll it” thing that people do when they want to pick their nose but can’t.

LESSON LEARNED #1: If you don’t know what to do with your hands, do nothing. Yes, that can be hard and may take some practice as the urge is almost automatic. But moving around can be very distracting for the audience.

Plus, little known fact alert, fidgeting a lot can actually increase your nervousness as it just fosters the urge to fidget. It’s sort of like yelling when you’re already angry or running when you’re kind of scared; it just makes it worse. If you’re nervous, hold your hands behind your back or in front of you. This added stability will actually help calm you down. You can also stick them in your pockets, but HOLD THEM STILL! If you rattle your keys or play with the coins in your pockets, the audience will probably kill you.

LESSON LEARNED #2: Do not, do not, do not stick any finger or any portion thereof into any orifice of your body at any time during any lecture. Ever. Not even a fingernail. It used to be, and in some circles still is, considered rude to even touch your face in such a public setting. If you can keep your hands below shoulder level for the whole talk, you’re golden!

What Will 2007 Hold?

Seeing these things over the past year has really done one major thing for me: made me vow to get even better at what I do in 2007.

I’m not really interested in attaining perfection, but I do want to get to where the audience doesn’t have to fight to get my message, and I don’t have to fight to deliver it.

All in all 2006 wasn’t such a horror show. Of the blunders you just read, I’m happy that only one was my own. And aside from that I conquered some fears, improved a lot, saw and met some very talented people and bought some really nice ties.

Above all, and maybe the most important lesson so far, I learned not to pick my nose while standing in front of a thousand people.

Yup, I learned that one first hand. Ooh, sorry.